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You had to do it

Ripped down these dreams

Couldn’t stand the thought

Receiving second prize

The only consolation – cut me down

Made me so angry – mostly at myself

For my believing all you say

That I threw it all away

Wish I had the strength

To rip of your masked

The one you hide behind so well

To see what exists in your head

Observe your making

That gives you to thinking

“I have so much to offer”

Why must you be the line?

I should never cross over

Can I ever measure up?

To these endless expectations

NO! - Its always the same

Do as I say, grow up – stop dreaming

This seems like perpetual competition

Why can’t I make the last move?

Call out checkmate

Sweepingly clear the board

Instead you knock down the muse

How I wish I could hate you

Then all you said – really wouldn’t matter

It couldn’t have crept into my bloodstream

Likely slowly force fed poison

But it’s too late for any what ifs

I remain diseased and disheartened

It’s now festering – made its home inside my mind

Self doubting – all my secret passions

It’s corrupting every move I make

Unable to wipe myself clean

Spawned dreams destroyed

For what – your self-gratification

Can’t you see – I am not you

I will not wear these failures

For it wouldn’t be an honour

I have to exist – fall by myself

Scrape my knee and bandage it up

I can heal without your assistance

But I can’t seem to flourish

Stagnating instead in swamp water

Why can’t you just show support?

Fuel my aspirations

Instead you cast them down

Smother them like a last burning ember

On a used up cigarette

I know it’s not your fault

It’s been passed down the line

If I held up this mirror

Made with mine eyes

Would it make you shudder?

Weep endlessly silent sea

Could you identify – its you

Would you see a haunting vision?

Long past parental supervision

Would I – Could I turn my back?

Allowing you access to hurl another poignant dagger

Or reach with shaking hands

Unstrap the harness of your words

Release me upon the world

Without a solitary utterance

You could turn – Disavow all knowledge

That it wasn’t you that spoke those barbs

But we both know better that it wasn’t

Just ghosts of the past sitting on your shoulder

That it wasn’t it?

Not my own dysfunctional mind

But maybe so – You may be right

For when you said it

I should have shied away

It happened so long ago

But I still carry its burden

I hope you can see – I love you still

Don’t want to find a chinch in your armour

To thrust and scar your already stained heart

Just want you to see – me for me

Not some inferior other

The same blood courses through this vessel

But my heart beats alone

Driven by my own aspirations

Not mothers’, fathers’ or anyone others